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Advice After an Affair

Can the heart ever trust again after it has been crushed? Can a couple look at this time as a way of becoming even closer than they had ever been? Can there be romance after an affair? If both parties concerned are willing to work it out, the answers to these questions are, "Yes!" In an age where the chances of getting a divorce are higher than staying together, the likelihood of infidelity is greater than ever. But why become a statistic, when there is the chance of recovering what once was and possibly finding something even greater? Below are a few steps and ideas to help you make sense of your situation and find your way back to each other.

First Step: Getting The Facts

You will need to share with each other the truth about the events that have happened. Don't go into explicit details; just stick to the general facts. If you do not tell the entire truth to your partner about events surrounding the affair, your chances of repairing your relationship are greatly diminished. This step is very important if for no other reason than it helps you both get everything off your chest. You can finally release all the fear of discovery or other emotions you may be feeling. Sometimes the challenge of trying to tell your partner face-to-face about the events can seem too difficult to confront. If this is the case, try exchanging letters to each other instead. Make sure you set a specific time to exchange the letters, read them and then talk about them directly afterwards.

Second Step: Acknowledging Each Other

By now your emotions are probably at an all-time high. The road of infidelity is not an easy one to cross. If you can recognize, understand and acknowledge what each other is feeling and going through, your path will become a lot easier. Again this step can be done face-to-face, or through a letter exchange. You'll want to make sure you let each other know that, while things are far from perfect, you're both willing and wanting to make this relationship work.

Third Step: Moving On

I think the most important step regarding moving on is to realize that things will never go back to the way they used to be. The reward for moving on is not getting back what once was, but rather finding something even more special and rewarding. Another point to remember is that many couples never find their way through this type of betrayal. It takes a special bond and inner strength as a couple to get through it. Neither person can do it alone. To get yourselves on the right path you will need to make some kind of agreement about your future actions, like a couple's mission statement or doctrine. For instance, on separate sheets of paper for each person write what you will promise to do and not do. Share your papers and add and remove statements as needed. Finally, create one inclusive list of what you both will agree to adhere to.

Fourth Step: Letting Go

It is important to remember that because a partner may have wronged you, they do not owe you anything. Likewise, if you have committed the infidelity, you cannot expect your partner to have instant faith in you. Your faith in each other will have to be earned. Forgiveness and understanding are crucial elements to recovering your faith. Holding onto negative emotions from the past doesn't help safeguard your heart against another possible act of infidelity. In reality, it creates a larger gap in a relationship that at this time more than ever needs unconditional affection and love.

After An Affair: Checklist
Can your relationship be repaired?
by Jennifer Good!

Even with the best of intentions you may be not be emotionally ready to confront the events that have transpired. Use this checklist to help determine if your relationship can be repaired.

When you think about the events that have happened you find yourself more resentful towards your partner.
If you answered yes to this question, take some time to determine why this is the case. Have you told the truth about everything? Are you holding on to emotions you don't need to? Do you feel unacknowledged about something? Are you trying to make your partner feel as bad as you do? Be honest with yourself when looking for your answers. You will need to come to terms with your feelings before you can move forward.

You feel that your partner may not be telling you everything.
A yes answer to this indicates a lack of trust, or a lack of honesty. In either case you'll need to resolve why you feel this way before you can begin to repair your relationship.

You don't feel you'll be able to trust your partner again.
Trust is a crucial element to any relationship. If you can't find a way to rebuild the trust, you won't find a way to rebuild your relationship. Recognize this and let your partner know. At this time your paths may be meant to go in different directions.

This is not the first time you have experienced infidelity with this partner.
While a first break in trust can be overlooked, and eventually repaired, a pattern of mistrust is something that needs a closer evaluation. Don't set yourself up for a cycle of emotional abuse because you are unwilling to let this person go.

Your partner does not wish to make amends.
No matter how much history you have in this relationship, if a partner does not want to be involved don't get caught up in the trap of trying to bring them back. Talk with each other about the reasons, and if they are still intent on leaving, let them go. You never want to be in a situation where one person doesn't love the other with the same commitment.