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Infidelity News
Those Cheating Hearts
A simple plea for reassurance:
"You'd tell me, wouldn't you?"
It's just about all the discussion many couples can manage
on the topic of marital infidelity.
That's one reason social scientists have left the study
of hidden love largely to novelists and poets.
"Although we can describe sexual desire, we don't
know how to measure it scientifically," said Dr. Stephen B. Levine,
a psychiatrist and co-editor of the Handbook of Clinical Sexuality, a
guide to help doctors address sexual concerns.
For many years, most of what scientists knew about infidelity
came from marital therapists' interviews with clients or from psychologists
who asked men and women to answer questions about hypothetical affairs.
In the past few years, however, researchers have begun
to conduct larger, more rigorous surveys, asking about real experiences.
The evidence has contributed to an emerging body of thinking
about who cheats, when and why.
Contrary to one commonly held view, many people who report
being in happy marriages commit adultery. Their yearning for variety warps
their judgment, even when they fully appreciate the risks of infidelity.
For when an affair is revealed, clinicians report, the impact on the marriage
usually is catastrophic.
"Those who assume that only bad people in bad marriages
cheat can blind themselves to their own risk," said Beth Allen, a
researcher at the University of Denver who, with colleagues David Atkins,
of the Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, and the late Shirley Glass,
a Baltimore family psychologist, recently completed an extensive review
of infidelity research.
Several recent surveys suggest that the majority of people
do not cheat, either because they cannot bear the thought of betrayal,
cannot drum up the interest or perhaps already have known the profound
pain of losing an important relationship. Yet studies find that more than
one in five men do have affairs at least once in their lives, and
that women are now about as likely as men to cross the
line.
The first few years of marriage are a dangerous time,
new research shows. An analysis conducted in 2000 by sociologists in New
York found two distinct patterns in the timing of affairs.
A married woman's likelihood of straying is highest in
the first five years and falls off gradually with time, according to the
survey of 3,432 U.S. adults.
Men have two high-risk phases -- one during the first
five years of marriage and the second after the 20th year.
Vows provoke rebellion
The psychological underpinnings of early affairs often
are tied up with the vows themselves, some experts say. As well-intentioned
as they can be, vows are open-ended pledges -- of unknown cost, of blind
sacrifice.
Very often, their gravity doesn't sink in right away;
and young married men and women often have a lingering appetite for the
flirtation and sexually charged attention that was the lifeblood of their
single lives, marital therapists say.
"One reason for starting an affair, especially for
young couples, is rebelliousness against the vows, against the very idea
that 'I'm never ever going to make love to another person,'" said
Joel Block, a clinical psychologist in New York and author of "Naked
Intimacy" (McGraw Hill, 2003).
Even when people welcome the sacrifice, and honor vows
without reservation, the prom- ises can lend a false sense of security.
The commitment is firm, but the imagination may lag behind.
In one recent study, University of Vermont psychologists
surveyed 180 couples who were either married or living with a partner.
Fully 98 percent of the men and 80 percent of the women reported having
a sexual fantasy about someone other than their partner at least once
in the previous two months.
The longer couples were together, the more likely both
partners were to report having fantasies. The frequency and vividness
of these thoughts may themselves lead a man or woman to believe their
love for a partner is fading, Levine said.
Then something happens.
A blowout argument. A promotion. A school reunion, the
loss of a job, an e-mail from an old boyfriend. Some triumph or loss that
opens a door through which a person is now primed to walk. The delights
of an affair already have been richly imagined.
The consequences are now minimized: "Many couples
survive affairs; stop depriving yourself; it's an experience, part of
the richness of life," a person might tell herself or himself.
"Whatever the final provocation," Levine said,
"the person decides -- actively makes a choice to participate at
every step along the way."
'Very happy' are at risk
The evidence that this kind of logic can lead people
astray from apparently satisfying, long-lived, stable relationships is
circumstantial but compelling.
In one recent analysis, researchers at the University
of California at Irvine found that people who claimed their marriage was
"very happy" were two times as likely to cheat on their spouses
as those who said their marriage was "extremely happy."
The given reasons for these affairs range widely. In
research for a book, Diane Shader Smith, a Los Angeles writer, conducted
in-depth interviews with more than 175 married women who had or still
were having affairs.
There were "revenge" flings: One woman had
a brief affair after she found out that her (now former) husband had cheated
on her. There were "motivational" flings: A Los Angeles doctor's
wife had affairs whenever she needed an impetus to lose weight.
And certainly love can come into play: One middle-age
woman living out in the country had a 10-year affair with her neighbor's
husband.
"One thing many had in common was chemistry,"
Smith said. "They all described that, the chemistry with another
man, the casual brush against the arm, that orgasm-on-the-spot feeling,"
she said.
Most of the women interviewed were unapologetic; many
had kept their secret and preferred to stay in their marriage, risks and
all.
In previous surveys, men have expressed similar motives,
although primarily focused on the thrill of sensual pleasure.
Psychologists may never know the true impact of infidelity
on marriage.
Most couples do not seek therapy, whether an affair is
suspected or revealed.
Among couples who do pursue counseling, however, there's
little doubt: Infidelity hits like a hurricane.
In one recent study of 62 Israeli couples seeing therapists
to help cope with affairs, one-third eventually divorced; about half limped
along in still-troubled marriages, according to researchers at Hebrew
University, in Jerusalem.
Only nine of the couples, 14 percent, seemed to bounce
back and show signs of real growth and optimism in their marriage, the
psychologists reported.
