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Infidelity News
Should wives be porn police?
Why women have every right to insist on mental as well as physical fidelity.
About two years ago I agreed to debate the first openly
Jewish Playboy playmate, Lindsey Vuolo, in New York City. My purpose was
simple: to uphold the dignity of Jewish women, which is not consistent
with taking their clothes off for money. From the beginning, however,
it was clear that I had lost the debate. The room was filled with mostly
leering men who came armed with the November issue of Playboy, asking
for Lindsey's autograph. But what really disappointed me was all the women
who came to cheer Lindsey's courage in not being ashamed of her body.
What sane woman, who isn't motivated by financial profit, would support
the portrayal of women as sport to entertain lecherous men?
Moreover, what wife is misguided enough to allow her
husband to read Playboy?
Recently, we've seen the Kobe Bryant sex scandal and
the publication of Hillary Clinton's memoir, which regurgitated the Monica
Lewinsky story. I believe that these and other incidents are warnings
to wives not to be naive about the dangerous effects pornography -- and
opportunities for adultery -- can have on a marriage. And they must do
something about it. While Hillary bore her husband's betrayal with dignity,
there is the legitimate question of whether she should have been keeping
a far more watchful eye on her husband whose roving ways were well known,
especially when he told her that he was spending time with an intern for
the purpose of "guiding her life." Shouldn't an alarm have gone
off in her head?
"... In her efforts to get closer to man, woman has lost her own
uniquely feminine attributes, at a great cost to both genders ..."
The idea of wives "policing" their husbands, of calling men
to account for their behavior, might sound antiquated or petty, but I
believe it is valid and, indeed, essential. When I've asked wives how
they feel about their husbands looking at pornographic material, I've
heard an astonishing range of answers. There are those who are quick to
assert how "cool" they are with it and even claim to join in
the viewing; and there are those who are utterly horrified but feel they
have no right to object to their husband's adult behavior. But women must
wake up to the fact that they do have a right to nip this behavior in
the bud.
Pornography is destructive not only because it is insulting
to one's wife, but because it takes one's erotic focus away from one's
spouse. In this respect, the principal harm it inflicts is not radically
different from adultery. When infidelity occurs, it destroys the marriage
not only by causing hurt and humiliation, but by starving the marriage
of attention, affection, and effort. The hurt that a husband causes his
wife by being unfaithful is not, in itself, the deal-breaker in their
marriage. The wives whom I have counseled through a husband's infidelity
are prepared to forgive him if they love him. The real deal-breaker is
the fact that the wife is no longer the focal point of his sexual and
romantic energies. When husbands and wives are not wholly focused on one
another as the means of finding erotic excitement, they begin to drift
apart. Initially, men believe that a little peek at another woman's nudity
is a harmless means of generating some excitement and certainly nothing
as significant as an actual act of infidelity. But these "harmless"
leers are the first symptoms of neglect.
There are so many ways in which pornography undermines
healthy relationships. Excessive exposure to a variety of nude, female
bodies contributes to the penchant for men to think about other women
while making love to their wives. Indeed, 84 percent of men admit to doing
just that (and they're dumb enough to believe that their wives don't notice).
We can even go so far as to say that once you bring another woman into
your bed, even if only mentally, you are practicing a form of mental infidelity
and merely using your wife's body for friction. I call it mental decapitation.
The Torah, which is very concerned with fostering the mental and emotional
intimacy that physical intimacy is meant to promote, actually calls men
to task by deeming it a prohibition for a man to fantasize about other
women while in bed with his wife.
Unfortunately, as I discovered at the debate, women today
are so brainwashed into being manly and tough that few will admit to being
pained at the notion that their significant other would be dreaming of
another woman during their intimate moments. But fantasizing about another
woman is a degrading act. It indicates that one's wife is not worthy or
thrilling enough on her own. Most men tell me that it is unrealistic not
to sometimes think about other women during sex with one's wife. Perhaps
that is so. But there is no excuse not to resist it.
Furthermore, pornography desensitizes men to the female
body. Instead of being automatically drawn to a woman as he should be,
today's man has seen too much to ever lose himself completely upon being
exposed to a woman's nakedness. The nature of erotic attraction, which
should bring men and women together, has been utterly compromised, and
neither sex is above evaluating the other according to the most stringent
criteria. This impairs our ability to build deep relationships. Sexual
intimacy is meant to bring a couple together on emotional and mental levels.
Once a man feels removed enough to judge his wife by comparing her with
other women, he loses some of his excitement for her and mistakenly believes
that a more perfectly formed woman would provide him with the physical
titillation that he craves.
The irony lies in the fact that a real woman is infinitely
more exciting than the manufactured images that attract the consumers
of pornography. Rather than being a one-dimensional experience, interacting
and allowing oneself to be aroused by a live partner -- despite her apparent
physical flaws -- is ever-changing and therefore consistently exciting.
Ultimately then, pornography deadens a man's attraction for his partner,
which in turn deadens his ability to have healthy and sustainable passionate
relationships.
The truly unfortunate element in the prevalence of pornography
today is actually the acceptance that so many women silently or overtly
provide by refusing to demand that their husbands (or serious boyfriends)
turn off the computer and turn them on instead. Once upon a time, women
were seen as and treated as man's superior. Today, women have leapt off
of their pedestal to say that they are equal to men. When we hear of women
accompanying their partners to strip clubs, we see why men no longer feel
they have to make themselves worthy of such a sidekick. You can't convince
me that women are actually enjoying the array of bras and G-strings while
swigging back beers with the boys.
In her efforts to get closer to man, woman has lost her
own uniquely feminine attributes, at a great cost to both genders. What
happened to being a gentleman? Why isn't the party line that a man doesn't
look at another woman because he doesn't need to and has too much respect
for his wife to ever degrade her by making such a comparison? Why not?
Simply put, because women today no longer require their men to be gentlemen.
When I've asked women about why they don't insist that
their husbands turn off the cable smut or throw out the dirty magazines,
the answers I receive fall resoundingly into two basic categories. The
first is that many women believe that they have no right to determine
what their husbands see or, especially, what they think. The second is
a desire not to appear insecure, petty, or nagging. Yet it's not petty
to demand that your husband be with you and you alone when you are in
bed together. It's not nagging to show your hurt, your vulnerability.
How far we have sunk in our expectations of marriage
and commitment. Once upon a time it was not politically incorrect to think
of a husband and wife as belonging to one another. Today we are conditioned
to think that independence is the be-all-and-end-all, and to be possessive
is seen as an a priori sign of insecurity. Husbands and wives see each
other as independent creatures who happened to be joined by the institution
of marriage.
The staggering divorce rate is a symptom of this unfortunate
conditioning. It's easy to sever a bond that wasn't that strong in the
first place. But if you belong to one another, then you have a right to
make demands of exclusivity in thought, speech, and action and to freely
express that an action or behavior hurts you and to expect that your spouse,
whose number-one concern is your happiness, to amend the hurtful behavior.
When two people belong to one another, there is nothing they won't do
to protect that bond.
In Judaism we are taught that everything belongs to God.
It is not degrading to be so possessed and, in fact, the kippah (head
covering) worn by men is a reminder and a symbol of that bond. Thus God
makes demands upon us and we, in our attachment to Him, ask for what we
need. Our intimate relationships reflect this divine relationship. We
should never hesitate to insist that our needs be met by our husband or
wife. Remember, you are not only married in body, but also in mind, heart,
and soul.
Wives have a right, indeed an obligation, to police their
husbands from going into the gutter to get excitement. Miss November and
her fellow playmates are women like all others. One day they'll marry
and they'll be just as hurt and insulted if their husbands turn to strangers
for excitement.
