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Are you Looking for Extramarital Affairs, then read this
information to discover the history of people Looking for Extramarital
Affairs. Research indicates that long before written history, primitive
clans and tribes were living within small, highly inter-dependent social
structures. Many of these groups had some type of ceremony marking the
forming of a union or marriage between two opposite sex partners.
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for Extramarital Affairs
It appears that since we began living in structured social
groups, humans have adhered to the belief that formal unions of two people
work best for maintaining a healthy, functioning society. Within different
societies, independent unions of two people, were considered the best
way to secure food and shelter, defend against outside aggressors, and
raise offspring. As societies evolved, the marriage bond took on increased
significance within each culture. One of the most universal aspects of
the marriage union to be perpetuated cross-culturally was monogamy. Yet
despite this proclivity towards marriage, and insistence that the marriage
partners remain monogamous, human beings have been Looking for Extramarital
Affairs throughout history.
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We know that "Extramarital Affairs" have been
going on since the advent of the socially sanctioned union. Our historical
concern about Extramarital Affairs is evident in the inclusion of Extramarital
Affairs as one of the sins mentioned in the Ten Commandants. The fact
that Extramarital Affairs are wrong, even considered to be a sin, has
been ingrained into us through our social, cultural and religious upbringing.
Yet despite the social and religious disapproval of them, they have been
an ever present phenomenon for us to deal with.
So why are so many people having Extramarital Affairs despite such powerful
social and religious doctrines against them? The fact is that there have
been as many reasons given for Extramarital Affairs as there are people
engaging in them. Some of these include dissatisfaction with the marital
relationship, emotional emptiness, need for sexual variety, inability
to resist new sexual opportunity, anger at a partner, no longer being
"in love", alcohol or drug addiction, growing apart, desire
to get a partner jealous... to name just a few.
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for Extramarital Affairs
Some people have even said that human beings simply can't
maintain monogamous sexual relationships over long periods of time because
it "isn't natural".
If this is true, if there is a biological reason preventing us from accomplishing
our goal of remaining in a monogamous relationship, than we are condemning
ourselves to continued personal and social failure by continuing to pursue
these types of relationships. On the other hand, despite the fact that
Extramarital Affairs have been a problem for married couples throughout
history, and that there appears to be an increasing number of Extramarital
Affairs at this time, we probably know that human nature is not to blame.
At least not in the traditional sense as stated above.
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Maybe our proclivity towards Extramarital Affairs is
more a symptom of our inability to find satisfaction in our long term
relationships because of the expectations we place on them in the first
place, then any biological drive towards multiple sexual partners. Possibly
our inability to remain "in love" with our partners as we grow
and mature and our life circumstances change is what drives us to look
for another intimate relationship.
The loss of the high level of passion and desire that existed in the beginning
of the relationship may result in boredom or develop into a feeling of
apathy towards the partner. Combined with all of the other stresses and
complexities of long term relationships, such as financial problems, raising
children, job changes, death of family members, change in status, etc.,
the loss of passion may lead to a desire to rediscover it in the start
of a new relationship.
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for Extramarital Affairs
So it may not be the desire to experience the "new"
or "forbidden" sexual relationship, but rather the need to re-experience
the intense level of passion and the feeling of being "in love"
and all which that implies, that leads to Extramarital Affairs. Therefore,
Extramarital Affairs may be the result of an inability to maintain a satisfying
emotional relationship with a partner over a long period of time, and
not due to a need for sexual variety. Possibly our need for intense emotional
experiences leads to a desire to rediscover the feelings that come at
the start of a new love relationship. Whether it is our expectation that
passion remain or our inability to maintain passion easily in long term
relationships, the loss of it appears to be a major factor in the initiation
of Extramarital Affairs. Once initiated, the high level of passion experienced
in Extramarital Affairs appears to be a powerful component in the maintaining
them.
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for Extramarital Affairs
If the interpersonal relationship was satisfying for
both partners, and passion was still an integral part of the relationship,
the need to experience diversified or new sexual partners may not exist.
Respondents to my research clearly indicate that their diminished "feelings"
for their partner led them to become involved in the extramarital relationship.
Specifically, many people report feeling unappreciated, ignored, sexually
frustrated and no longer desirable to their partners. They almost invariably
say that they are no longer "in love" with their partners and
lack the level of intimacy that they once had. In almost all cases the
married member of an affair has reported to me that they feel "more
alive", "more sexually appealing" and "more appreciated"
by their lovers than by their spouses.
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As a matter of fact, my research indicates that Extramarital
Affairs based solely on desire for new sexual partners is a very small
percentage of the total number of Extramarital Affairs. Specifically,
of the over 3,800 respondents that have completed my questionnaire, over
90% have reported that the affair is based on emotional needs not being
met within the marital relationship, and not sexually motivated reasons.
Therefore, it appears that the allure of Extramarital Affairs is not new
sexual experiences, nor are they due to any biological inability to remain
monogamous, but rather what drives many individuals to become involved
in Extramarital Affairs is a lack of emotional fulfillment within the
existing relationship.
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The indication is that the desire for a new sexual experience
is not the initial motive for looking outside the marriage, but rather
comes after the breakdown of the emotional relationship. Only then, after
there has been an eroding of the interpersonal relationship, including
a loss of passion, lack of intimacy, and loss of emotional and sexual
satisfaction, does the dissatisfied partner look for a new lover to fulfill
their needs.
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for Extramarital Affairs
This does not mean that the sexual passion experienced
within an affair is not part of the driving force that maintains Extramarital
Affairs. It is quite possible that the patterns of behavior that lead
to Extramarital Affairs may be very different than the patterns that maintain
them. This in fact, is what I have found to be true.
My research has identified several factors which may be responsible for
the maintenance of Extramarital Affairs that may not have been considered
before. These factors may be responsible for the high level of arousal
experienced by people involved in Extramarital Affairs, the obsessive
pre-occupation that many individuals in Extramarital Affairs report experiencing,
and the inability to end an affair even when confronted with negative
or devastating personal and social consequences. Future articles will
discuss these "maintaining factors" in more detail.
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The extramarital affair is a far more complex relationship
than the media often portrays it. Unlike Hollywood's portrayal of Extramarital
Affairs, real "triangles" involve a great deal of guilt, confusion,
anxiety, and pain. In the end all members of the triangle are affected,
for better or worse. Whether the marriage survives or the lovers form
a new couple, everyone involved in the "triangle" will have
been dramatically and permanently affected by the extramarital experience.
SOURCE: Copyright, Debbie Layton-Tholl, Psy.D. 2002.
AffairLady 2000. All Rights Reserved.
Dr. Debbie Layton-Tholl completed her dissertation on
the topic of Extramarital Affairs. 800 responses were analyzed and included
in the dissertation that was completed in October 1998. To order a copy
of the dissertation contact Dr. Layton-Tholl via e-mail at DrLaytonTholl@aol.com.
